i'm all about them, words.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
- 11:40 PM
ok, on the previous entry. really really sorry about all the emoness. it's not that i'm desperately in need of pity from others. cos that's really not what i want.
well. like i said, i'll wake up today and all will be fine. that's so true. i woke up today, shook the pain of and went along my quiet life in school. then every time i allowed alone, those feelings just rush back. but then i guess that's not important is it? after all, we're all more interested in matters of consequence.
i'm like just blogging to get it all out. oh yes, i run with stitch in the morning to get things off my mind. it's like putting those unhappy thoughts into some secluded part of my mind. but then they just resurface time and again. blame me for being so vulnerable to my own emotions.
i'm pretty appalled by the relationship now. we both have our problems but neither of us are sharing them now i guess. we're both caught up in our own little lives. whenever we talk, there's just nothing to say. nowadays i just don't agree with some stuff kann shares, but then again, who am i to question what he does. i feel so lousy. then kann's probably gonna tell me not to feel this way and all. and maybe he's gonna tell me how i can disagree with him. the point is that i don't know how anymore. or rather, i can't connect with anything he's saying nowadays. the words flash past my darkened mind, i don't see anything. i don't understand.
as usual, i'm pissed and depressed with the results. failed math and econs. gosh. what's happening?! i'm screwing up my life big time. i don't know what went wrong. i felt different before the exams, or rather the entire month of june. i was just too laid back. too over confident perhaps. i don't know what went wrong with me. i know myself well enough. i don't understand.
in the midst of all this, it's surprising that stitch is the one that knows what's going on and what i'm feeling. but then again, i don't always agree with his suggestions to help me cope with my problems. their just not my ideal ways of going about it. but then again, i know for one that i'm flawed, so stitch may be right, but i can't do his right. forever flawed. i can't take the advice stitch gives me all the time and i don't know why. maybe it's cos i know i'm flawed, or maybe cos it's not my way. i don't understand.
i want life to rewind. some people just cant suffer so much trauma. i'm one of those people. once was enough. take me back! it just had to come to this. i never expected it so. oh man. i feel like i'm repeating this. all the issues have been constantly transcended down through each blog entry so far. i must be boring the hell outta people. i just don't believe it's all happening again. maybe i'm just fickle. maybe it's a phase. i don't understand.
now i guess this entry is no different from the previous one.
thinking back on what timi said to mr tea. timi said he wanted to have no feelings. emotionless. at first i thought i was a bad idea. then again, right now, it seems to be a perfect solution for me. hmmm. solution. maybe it's an escape. oh man. i just dont understand. i just want to feel nothing right now. be at peace, away from all that suffering. i've now found out what's worse than physical torture. emotional suffering.
somebody kill me.
so much for not wanting to be emofied.
then maybe it's just because of the night. all my energies are drained, i feel so alone, so much time to think, the atmosphere is ideal for reflection. and maybe that's my life, a huge mess at the moment. i've just found the right moment to express that.
there's so much to say.
no one to say it to.
not because the ears are not listening.
the mouth is just not speaking.
the sobbing, stifled.
silence overwhelms.
i wish i could share all of this, especially to kann, but then again, i just can't bring myself to do it. i don't want to burden him, i don't feel the connection we once had to tell him what's going on inside my head. stitch has been real supportive these few days. some people are just involved in my whole whirlpool of thought and emotions. some people are not close enough, so i wouldn't be sharing my troubles with them. the bottomline is, i'm becoming the person i was a few years back.
sharing my pain with something that doesn't understand. i don't understand what i'm doing.
i'm revisiting the song lyric i posted up here not long ago.
I've been waiting for a good day
I've been holding back long enough
I've been hurting to tell you some things
it's not the falling of the temperature
that's making all our bones run cool
it's the breeze you make
the presence felt when you're around me
and it feels like I'm at an all-time low
all-time low. how about six feet under?
haha. no, i don't have suicidal tendencies, so i won't be killing myself anytime soon.
zee told stitch something. stitch told me. haha. sadly, i agree, we are indeed drifting apart. never knew zee realised it too.
the words are choke up my throat.
i want to say so much.
but every word i say becomes inaudible.
i've turned my back on myself.
you're never gone.
but i have a feeling i will be.
dance is again in doubt.
maybe i should just go to sleep. after all, i'll be alright tomorrow.
