i'm all about them, words.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
- 11:55 PM
nope. no straight As. got straight Fs instead.
somehow i want things all to work out. yet i know i'm not ready.
there's this barrier between me and kann. i remember me saying that we were different and all. our passions, beliefs have always been different. and maybe what was lacking was sincerity and comfort in expressing what i felt. maybe now's the right time?
well, i've long felt that kann is not a person i can share my troubles with. ok, i never really share them with anyone. at least not fully. kann on the otherhand, seems fully comfortable with pouring out all his sorrows. i kinda like it when people share stuff with me. and i guess that's one of the reasons why we can survive till now. then now i realise i have my own problems and i cant turn to anyone, not even my best friend. that makes me feel uncomforatble. and like roy said, being such close friends, we should be looking to each other for support instead of whatever's going on now.
ok. to be even more sincere. i feel that kann is just someone who likes to be in the limelight and all. the exaggeration of situations, especially in rugby and all. i think that's like a behavioral flaw since don't now when. but i'm extremely bothered by it. cos it seems to be that kann is trying to invite people to show pity. some injuries sustained from rugby aint that bad. then i remember how kann told me his body is breaking down and all. i somehow cannot connect with it cos i feel that it's exaggerated too. my conclusion was that kann was finding an excuse for his dwindling passion for rugby. and that's not a sin, but it bothers me. i'm not even sure if i'm right anyways. i just feel that kann dramatises too much and i am really uncomfortable with it. it has been so since sec 4 i guess, but back then, there was sji to tie us together. right now, cj isnt doing any good.
and then these few days, the rebellious nature is just making me feel extremely bothered too. what's with coming to school with shirt tucked out and a pissed off face. it's just so.. i dunno. oh yes, and this hit me like now. i remember kann coming to sit with julius, shamir, jason, myself and dont know who else. and just came to share about stuff that have completely no relation to anything. st pat's teacher don't know whatever stuff. kinda shows how kann likes to share. but i find it a bit weird and disturbing, cos it feels to me like kann is trying to fit in or something. or just trying to... i dunno. it just felt so wrong. kann discusses stuff that have no relation to the topic on the table sometimes. even on msn, sometimes the things he share just doesnt have anything to do with me. it's like trying to strike a conversation for the sake of it. and then i feel that because of it, talking to kann on msn just loses its meaning. i dont have to be asked how's my day everyday. i mean, maybe it's like concern or interest in my life, but it's such a generic question and my answer is usually generic too 'ok'. cos the question is so shallow it just defeats the purpose of having a conversation. and i guess there would be no point asking such a question too, after all, i don't share much of my life.
i guess i have my flaws too. kann's always there, i never share. time and again, kann has told me he's there to lend a ear or a crying shoulder. but i just like to keep to myself. maybe that contributed to all the problems so far. then i was thinking. i guess it's ok for me to reveal my life a little. and i know kann will probably not be able to help, but he doesnst need to i guess. just being there to listen would help a lot already.
i'm not perfect.
i'm sorry i can't be perfect.
i've revealed all i have to. let's see where things go from here.
i want to say it out loud. but i know i might be making a big mistake.
once bitten twice shy i guess.
i'm not even sure if what i'm feeling is all real.
after all, it could just be a rerun of the past.
but still, the feelings and emotions are so overwhelming.
'cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me
it's as if my heart knows you're the missing piece
you make me believe that there's nothing
in this world I can't be
i never know what you see
but there's somethin' in the way you look at me
trying to feel at ease.
the busy world wont affect my silent soul.
or at least i'm trying not to let it.